Want to talk?

Want to talk?

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let’s talk.. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don’t know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea....."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?"

[ ... ]

Childbirth

Childbirth

The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called.

To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage.

The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy.

The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

She said,

That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!

[ ... ]

Lawyers and the things they say

Lawyers and the things they say

This is another interesting email forward that I received. I am sure most of you have read most of the jokes in here. But I am still posting it as it never gets old.

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
  Witness: "I only have one, you know."



• Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
  Witness: "By death."
  Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"



• Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
  
  The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.



• Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
  Witness: "July 15th."
  Lawyer: "What year?"
  Witness: "Every year."



• Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
  Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
  Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
  Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
  Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
  Witness: "'Winchester'!"



• Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
  Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."



• Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
  Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
  Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
  Witness: "Er...his face."



• Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
  Witness: "Yes."
  Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
  Witness: "I forget."
  Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"



• Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
  Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
  Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
  Witness: "Forty-five years."



• Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
  Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
  Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
  Witness: "My name is Susan."



• Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
  Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."



• Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
  Witness: "After the accident?"
  Lawyer: "Before the accident."
  Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."



• Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
  Witness: "Yes."
  Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
  Witness: "Yes, sir."
  Lawyer: "What did she say?"
  Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"



• Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  Witness: "No."
  Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  Witness: "No."
  Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
  Witness: "No."
  Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  Witness: "No."
  Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."



• Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"



• Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
  Officer: "Yes, I do."
  Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
  Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."



• Lawyer: "What happened then?"
  Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
  Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
  Witness: "No."



• Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
  Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."



• Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"



• Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"



• Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"



• Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"



• Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"



• Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
  Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"



• Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
  Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
  Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"



• Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
  Witness: "That's me."
  Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"



• Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"



• Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
  Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
  Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
  Witness: "Yes."
  Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"



• Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
  Witness: "Four times."



• Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"



• Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
  Witness: "Yes."
  Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
  Witness: "None."
  Lawyer: "Were there girls?"



• Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"



• Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
  Witness: "Yes."
  Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"



• Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
  Witness: "Not yet."



• Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."



• Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
  Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
  Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"



• Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
  Witness: "Borofkin."
  Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
  Witness: "I can't remember."
  Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
  Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"



• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
  Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
  Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
  Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
  Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
  Witness: "No."



• Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
  Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."



• Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
  Witness: "Fair."



• Lawyer: "Are you married?"
  Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
  Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
  Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."



• Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
  Witness: "My ex-widow said it.



• Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
  Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."



• Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
  Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."



• Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
  Witness: "Yes sir."
  Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"



• Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
  Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."



• The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."



• Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
  Witness: "No."
  Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
  Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
  Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
  Witness: "Attached to the ears."



• Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
  Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."



• Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
  Witness: "Oral."
  Lawyer: "How old are you?"
  Witness: "Oral."



• Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
  Witness: "She is my daughter."
  Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"



• Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"



• Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"



• Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
  Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
  Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"



• Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
  Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."



• Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
  Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
  Lawyer: "It was covered?"
  Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
  Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
  Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."



• Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
  Witness: "I could see his head."
  Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
  Witness: "Just above his shoulders."



• Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
  Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."



• Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
  Witness: "The victim lived."



• Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
  Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."



• Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
  Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

[ ... ]

Some Interesting Facts About Women

Some Interesting Facts About Women

I was going through my email when I noticed that I have received this interesting email forward. It's not only funny, but has a bit of truth in it. Hope you people like it.

Some Interesting Facts About Women

• Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
  
• Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
• Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
• Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
• Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
• Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
• Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
• Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
• Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
• Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
• Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
• Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

[ ... ]

Installing Love

Installing Love

A step by step guide to installing love on the human machine.

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Tech Support: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE However,you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

Tech Support: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Tech Support: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem.It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means - "you have to 'LOVE' your own machine before it can "LOVE" others."

Customer: So what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Tech Support: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Tech Support : You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Tech Support: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go

Customer: Yes?

Tech Support: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet.They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help

[ ... ]